The best sexual relationship is one in which you feel close to your partner and are able to speak up about your feelings. Of course, it is not easy to talk about sexual needs and feelings, even to someone you know well and care deeply about. As a relationship grows more physically intimate, you may find yourself unable to say what you'd like to, for fear of hurting the other person's feelings, or of sounding too eager or of just sounding "dumb." At romantic moments, for example, it may seem inappropriate to tell your partner that what he or she is doing is painful to you.
The most common sexual problems result from a lack of communication. You must tell your partner how you feel, you can hardly expect him or her to read your mind. Sex therapists often see couples who have had unsatisfying relationships for years because one or the other partner suffered in silence, unwilling to speak up about a sexual problem. Such cases testify to the extreme difficulty many people have in expressing them selves about what they like and don't like in sex.
It's not unusual for problems to arise from false assumptions about a partner's feeling. One person compliant of feeling tired, for example, and the other assumed that this means "no making love tonight." In fact, the tired partner may not be rejecting sex altogether. He or she may simply be saying, "I may be slow to respond" or "I'd rather take a passive role tonight." Sexual reactions may also be misinterpreted, as when one partner mistakes the other's groans or grimaces of pleasure for pain and pulls away, much to the distress of the other. In other cases, one partner may very much want something from the other (a particular kind of stimulation, for example) and may grow resentful, wondering why it is never forthcoming.
Nearly all these problems can be helped it the partners simply communicate better. When one person says he or she is tried, the other should find out it that really means "I'm not interested in sex to night." When a partner says he or she doesn't enjoy being touched in a particular place, the other partner should not interpret this as rejection. Instead, he or she should try to find out what is pleasurable. Although speaking up about such matters may be difficult all first, it often happens that one partner's frank comments. It spoken in a loving way, may inspire the other to communicate better too, greatly enhancing the relationship. Indeed, it might almost be said that honest intimate communicate is the most important sexual skill of all.
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